Clik here to view.
Never Say “Never Say Never.”
I will never try to make you understand how I feel through interpretive dance. I will never utter the phrase, “this has too much cheese on it.” If we’re in traffic together, and the 2-lane is ending,...
View ArticleClik here to view.
The Thin Triplicate Line Between Society and Chaos
“…There shall be no use of illegal drugs on the premises by the lessee, or associates of the lessee, subject to immediate nullification of the rental contract…” - clause in standard rental agreements *...
View ArticleClik here to view.
One Night In Winnemucca And The World’s Your Oyster
A while back I wrote about one of the first paid stand-up comedy gigs I ever had, in the lovely Winnemucca, Nevada. (Here, if you want a little context for today’s story) At the end of it, I...
View ArticleClik here to view.
The 5 Situations In Which It Is Acceptable To Say “That’s So Gay”
Times It Is Acceptable to Say, “That’s So Gay”: You’re trying to tell someone “That’s okay” and you have a pretty bad cold. Someone has just done a spot-on impression of actress Marcia Gay Harden, from...
View ArticleGetting To Amsterdam On $20, Strangers For Companions, And No Idea Where...
When I was in college I spent a couple terms in Nottingham, England. Toward the end of Fall term I decided to go to Amsterdam – by that point, though, almost all the Exchange students had already...
View ArticleThe Rejected Endings of “A Farewell To Arms”
According to lore, Ernest Hemingway re-wrote the final sentence of his classic novel A Farewell To Arms 25 times. After Frederic’s struggles to survive the war, and to be with his beloved Catherine,...
View ArticleUltimate Survival Guide: When Bad Ears Happen To Good Bees
“Get to a dark place as quickly as possible and try to lure the bee out of your ear with a single source of light like a flashlight… Never try to pull it out with your fingers.” – From “Tormented By A...
View ArticleOh Boy! My Mortgage Holder Is Merging With Another Bank! Eeeeeeeee!
Dear Valued Mortgage Holder: We are very pleased to inform you that we are currently in the process of merging with another bank. This will offer many exciting, new possibilities for the future. First...
View ArticleFight Club: The Complete Rules
You do not talk about Fight Club YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. If someone says stop, goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over. Only 2 guys to a fight. One fight at a time. No shirt, no shoes....
View ArticleMy Quarantine Goals: Original and Revised
Original: Start doing qi gong Revised: Not become an alcoholic Original: Make a crossword puzzle and get it in into the NY Times Revised: Have fewer than 15 people I need to apologize to at the end of...
View Article
